Redux
by CaliforniaDreamer
Summary: Literati, one shot. A conversation on a bus and a little hindsight.


**Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls belongs to ASP. Hence the whole "I'm writing an AU thing." **

**Lyrics at the beginning and end are from "Bruised" by Jack's Mannequin.**

**For Michelle, Claire, Ari, Lindsay, Beth, Vicki, Kellie, Meghan, Elizabeth, Christie, Lily, Becka, Ali, Merel, Caitlin, Bex, and all the girls. I love you all, and I'm sorry if I missed anyone.**

/_Hours pass_

_And she still counts the minutes _

_That I am not there./_

(This is how it's supposed to go, and exactly how it doesn't.)

Jess will be sitting at the back of the bus, hidden from view until half of the passengers on the bus exit. He likes it better this way, inconspicuous, because if he's going to leave her, it's the least he can do to cut ties quietly.

He will be reading a book because that is what he does. It could be any book at all- he's not paying attention to the words so it doesn't really matter, but he needs to focus his attention on something.

She will see him and walk to him swiftly, surely, though she isn't really sure at all. He scares her, a little. Not in the way that everyone thinks that she should be wary of him, but because she can't read him, can't see his thoughts, can't save him. What do you need, she thinks, but she doesn't know. She can only watch him spiral down and that terrifies the hell out of her.

He will hear her coming up. He has lived cautiously too long to not hear her, but he will stay focused on the blurs of paragraphs and sentences that don't really mean a thing until she asks if she can sit, and he will nod because what else is he supposed to do?

They will make small talk and she will look away from him, fidgeting, and he will be pale and quite possibly sick. They will think of picnic baskets and sleigh rides, and oh dear how did we come to this?

It will be her stop soon and they won't know if they should be relieved or not, because the tension is so damn thick, but then again this can't be goodbye.

She won't get up.

This is it, she will say, and he will nod. And then he will tell her everything, he will start talking and keep going. He won't be able to remember every talking this fast in his entire life, and he can't really breathe, but it feels good to tell somebody and he's glad it's her.

He will tell her about his dad, and Wal Mart, and failing school. He will tell her about how he's going to California, how he needs to go, needs to find a place where he can be different and he thinks he hates himself, a lot, and he needs to see if he can fix that, fix something.

She will bite her lip and not say a word, knowing that this is a rare thing, Jess Mariano talking of his own volition, and she will know better than to stop it.

He will also tell her that he's sorry. He will mean more, but he won't be able to say it. But it will be enough for her, more than enough.

She will have to get off the bus eventually. She will not go with him; she isn't that girl.

She will look at him first, searching his face for…something, anything. The answers to the universe, perhaps. He will stare back, offering her whatever she can find.

She will come to a decision, and kiss him, softly, gently. It will be a sweet kiss, a short one, and certainly chaste, compared to the past. A brush of lips, the ever so slight flicker of tongue, and that is it.

It will say goodbye, and it won't be enough, exactly, but it will do.

She won't go to school that day. She will wander around Hartford. And then she will be okay.

So will he, in his own time. Wounds will heal, books will be shut.

And it will be okay.

(And she will think this late at night when she is homesick and wants her mother and can only think of sad things. Her face will be hot with slow, steady tears that leave her pillow just a bit damp. She will fall asleep, her mind chanting this is how it's supposed to happen until it turns into this is how it did happen. She will almost believe it.

When she wakes up, she won't think of him at all.)

/_I swear I didn't mean for it to be like this_

_Like every inch of me is bruised._/


End file.
